Hey everyone, I'm playing The Comedy Store this weekend so come on down and laugh out loud too, so that you have a chance of making it on to my newest cd.

This came as a last minute thing, but I'm really excited about it. The Comedy Store got wind that I was looking around to get a new album in the pipes (I'm still intending to make a dvd when I'm in Sydney in a month), and they asked me to come and do another cd with them. I'm really excited about the opportunity and I'm looking forward to it. This will be my second on their label.

so, recording starts tonight.....

Well, my buddy Phil Nichol is doin' the director thing right now and he gave me a small walk on roll the other day. I spent about four hours shiverring in the woods in order to deliver my line of "holy shit!". I'm pretty sure I nailed it tho. So keep your eyes out, and when Yinka and Dinka's house of Hoax is released, I'll be the guy stealing the scene in the terrorist hoax. Actually, I'm all scuffed up right now because Carrie Marx pretty much drove me in to the ground while 'acting' scared. It was well worth it tho.

The highlight of the day had to be watching Jarred Christmas get the snot kicked out of him by a group of breakdancers. I think he has a pretty big role, and he was hilarious on the day, so it should be a really cool scene to see.

All in all, a really fun day on set!

Switzerland turned out to be on of my favorite road trips in a while. The gigs were great and the people too, but one of the coolest things was that with the short journey times between cities we had plenty of time to take in the sights.

Lausanne (Lucern) was probably the sexiest stop. we checked out plenty of the museums as it snowed down. I feel all worldly now!! I even got to check out the Olympics Museum down close to the shores of lake Geneva. To be honest, it was a bit lack lustre. I at least expected it to have something interactive in this day and age but it was mostly just displays of torches and medals. I found it even weirder that Ben Johnson was still featured in one of their movies briefly. I think it was supposed to be in a negative light, but with the lack of narration, it ust looked like a celebration of a really fast run. weird.
My other highlight had to be the outdoor heated pool/waterslide park in Bern. It was pretty cool. It reminded me of Hot Springs in the rockies only it wasn't natural and I'm sure it wasn't good for the planet, but the Swiss must have it all figured out.....Man was it relaxing!
My favorite gig of the trip was the last night in Zurich. Great audience! I recorded it, o hopefully I'll get a clip up on youtube shortly. In fact, I'll work on that now....

well, Happy New Year to you all. I have to announce that my unexpected house guest will not be seeing in the new year. Unfortunately I had to discover him yesterday, pinned under an upsidedown mouse trap, legs akimbo and tail at a 90 degree angle. i know it's not funny, but in the end I'm glad he was dispatched quickly I'd say, and it is fair to say you could probably peg receipts on that tail of his.

In the end we even required an additional upgrade of trap, on top of the 'Nazi-like' ones I've already told you about. In fact, those traps were proving to be less mouse trap and more mouse feeders. He ate so much peanut butter it was ridiculous. He was getting away with murder, no, sorry, that was me.

In the end I've had to opt for a new trap that was even more ridiculous than the nazi ones. These new ones look very high tech. They're almost as if the Nazis invented it, but the Americans developed it. They look like Ski bindings for heavens sakes.

Anyway, as I predicted, it did the job quickly. My lady has agreed to come out of the bedroom, so I guess the year can start on a comfortable note for the missus anyway. As fr me, I'm off to drink my guilt away.

Happy New Year everyone

Ok, you knowhat thhproblem is with mice? It's not the sanitation, or the shock, or the stealing of food,.....it's language!

If only I could say "listen mate, she goes to bed at around 10 and then you can feel free to come out ok? I might even get you some food. But don't let the lady of the house know you're around"

Unfortunately you can't, and it has become my responsibility to be terminator.

My reuseable traps have broken, so I had to go buy some new ones. They make great stocking stuffers by the way.

These new traps are insanely intimidating. They are full metal and no kitchy plastic bits, or cheese shapes. There's no fucking around with these traps. They look like something the Nazis would've used to trap mice! They're even Galvanized for rust resistance just in case I need to trap mice under water).

So, the lady has packed a nuclear fall out pack and she says she's not coming out of the bedroom until I've killed them. Let round 2 begin!!

Well, the holiday season seems to have brought some unexpected guests in to my house. A family of mice have taken refuge under my refrigerator and the missus is not impressed at all. She wants them dead, and in no uncertain terms. I've even had to negotiate wth her in order to avoid putting down that killer mouse paper stuff, you know, where they just stick to it and wait for me to come along and help them shuffle off their mortal coil. I can't think of anything more cruel.

I know that capturing them live never works, so I've definitely evolved in to a trap man over time. I'd rather just one 'SNAP' and it's over with. Some might think that's quite cruel, but I don't think they feel a thing. I started with the classic traps that almost looked like children's toys. They had little holes shaped like cheese etc. (like a mouse would know) These traps allowed me to take out 2 of the 4 squatters (I'm guessing it was the parets) and what I've bee left with is an older mouse and a little one. The tiny one is also a bit mentally challenged because he doesn't even seem to know he shouldn't come out when we're home.

If it wasn't for my lady's persistence, I wouldn't be feelin so guilty. She absolutely hates them...... but she doesn't even know them!

Ah, poor things. So, now they basically have an ultimatum. They can kill themselves by new year, or I have to put the sticky paper down. Come on feas, do yourselves a favour....

So, I don't know if all of you are aware of this, but the race for this year's Christmas number one is heating up and has an interesting look to it this year. In an attempt to scupper the continuation of Simon Cowell's Xfactor winners having the Christmas number one, there has been a campaign started to try and get Rage against the Machine's Killing in the name of up to number one. It's a tight race actually, and I've been listening to people whine that it's not fair or it's cyber bullying all day and It's really starting to make me laugh. I'm having fun with it tho. I've bought the single too. One of these whinging people is a guy called James Masterton who does a UK singles podcast that you can check out here. He launches in to his illogical argument against Rage towards the end of the podcast

I'm having a bit of fun with it actually. It would be great if Rage won tho. Some of these people are acting like it would be intrusive on their world if Rage won. This is just silly. There is no mandatory law that saysthe Christmas number one has to be played every hour on every station. I'm sure this Joe guy's single will still be played for his people and the Rage single will still be played for ours. Anyway, here's what I wrote him in retort;

Ah James Masterton, you silly puppet.
rage against the Machine is the perfect choice for what we all want to say. We are not 'resurrecting' this song from 'genuine obscurity', it has been an anthem of rebellion for all of us since it was born! It has been played in the bars and clubs that many of us frequent and will continue to be whether we get the number one or not.

For you to say that Joe's song is 'REAL' because Miley Cyrus had a hit with it earlier this year and top song writers and producers are behind it is completely hypocritical.
By your logic, since Lady Gaga's Bad Romance was a hit this year, and so was the movie twilight......well hey, let's get the cast of Twilight to sing Bad Romance because that'll sell millions!....and then a puppet like you would endorse it because it's a good song with good people behind it.

Don't you see the formula? Don't you see your ignorance? Don't you see what we are trying to prevent?

For Evil to triumph all that is needed is for good men to do nothing. (Edmund Burke) Buy the Rage single now!

Well, Mike Wilmot, Rob Deering and I have 1 night left at the Royal Theatre in Northampton and I'm not going to lie, it's been pretty forgettable. We're only selling about 100 tickets a night in an 800 seater so needless to say it's a little bit anticlimactic. The fact is that is a monday, tuesday, wednesday run, and I think the promoters jumped the gun thinking that the Christmas crowds would start congregating early. Nope!

They've been great crowds tho, even with the small numbers. At least they've wanted a show. Its a far cry from what the crowds are going to start to look like soon as the christmas parties really start to emerge. We're talking gigs that will be packed but nearly half of the people will b coerced in to watching beause what they really wanted to do was go bowling or something. I guess we should just take what we can get. It'd still be nice to crack 100 tho. we'll see tonight......

Hey, so I made my Sweedish TV debut this week on a show called RAW that I taped late last year. Check it out here.

I've been getting lots of emails asking me what I thought of Sweeden, and yes, I absolutely loved it. Marten and the guys running the show were great and the party was pretty much constant since I got there. And oh yeah, it's true what they say about Sweedish women. In fact the whole gene pool running through that country has me pretty intimidated to ever go back.Maybe I'll have to stick to Britain where I have a chance!

About my material on the show; It was fun to do a little bit of local. My opening stuff about th Vasa Museum was fun because I had just dreampt it up that afternoon. It's always col hen something spontaneous like that comes through. It coulda sucked.

I'll tell you what did suck, which was y drugs material. I felt a hush of intimidation come over the whole audience when I broached the subject. I guess it serves me right for trying that topic in front of such a clean audience. I think they thought they could get busted for listening to someone tell jokes about drugs! I learned my lesson there,....but still I can't believe they left the routine in on the final cut of the show. I guess someone liked it.

Oh well, Rock on Sweeden! Hopefully see you soon
Cheers
J

well, we didn't stop the flow of alcohol but we made it!!! 9 days in the United Arab Emirates (UAE) and all is well. The tour was sponsored by Fosters Lager and let's face it, when you are constantly being handed free beer by the sponsors in a gig hosted around the UAE in 5 star hotels, it's tough t play the "I gotta start drinking less" card. Needless to say, hangovers and all we had a really good time the tyhree of us. I hardly had a hangover for long each day anyway, beccause I knew that there was always some sort of servant waiting to make me an omeltte with the works down at the breakfast buffet! Ah, I know, I'm so easy to impress. .....but professionally made omelettes are awesome!

My touring partners were Gavin Webster and Roger Monkhouse and the tour was pretty stress free with the three of us. They've got great stuff, check it out if you get a chance. This was cool because usually there is at least one moody clown who gets thrown in to the mix to tear everyone down. I'm assuming of course, because they complained about eachother, so.....you know what that could mean for me......!

I really enjoyed this trip more than my last two trips and I think that was not only due to the company but also to the fact that there seems to ave been an exodus from Dubai in the wake of the economic crisis. There was unbelieveably litlle traffic on the roads which was geat on a tour that involve a lot of driving. Apparently for a lot of the tax dodging immigrants it was even more economically viable for them to ditch their cars at the airport! nuts.

well, I'm off to do a run of gigs for the Comedy Store in the United arab Emirates. I guess a little sun won't go amiss!! 9 days, should be fun.

a pretty brief entry because I'm gonna run forthe airport right now.....

keep your eyes on my youtube channel and I'll try and get some stuff up there if I get a chance. I also posted a quick clip from this past halloween weekend in Manchester. check it out if you get a chance

cheers
J

did the laughing boy show at Proud Galleries last night. It was pretty good, and quite frankly one of the best bills you could possibly find in the UK all month. Remarkable for a tuesday!! there was Chris Addison, Doc Brown, Adam Hills and Reginald D Hunter all being hosted by myself. I wanted to compere because I was hoping to slide lots of new material in and that way, when it failed, I could just say 'so, here's your next act'. I'm such a team player. It worked out great tho.

Oh yeah, by the way, if you ever search for Reg's web site, don't click on the first option because it seems to come up as a site for people who are hunting for registration plates, thus Reg hunter. I found this kinda funny because we spend so much effort to become the number one search of our own name,....alas it probably won't ever happen if you have to compete with every car in the UK!

Oh yeah, and i've made a special note here to say that one of the bouncers was a dick for pressuring adam hills to leave immediately as if she hadn't even noticed that he had done the headlining set. the audience had already left, and we were all packing up to leave, but she wouldn't get out of adam's face and kept pushing him. Isn't it great how some people can ruin a night even ten minutes after it's technically ended!

i'm such a spaz sometimes. I've managed to poke myself in the eye with a cd case this time. I've always suffered from weak eyes (my eyelids don't even close all the way at night!! how's that for a trivia fact). Actually, there's a littl piece of that history on my youtube channel here; so, this one should take a couple weeks to heal up. Here I am looking like a pirate again, and just in time for Halloween!

speaking of youtube too, I''ve so far been keeping to my promise of getting more clips up there, click this link for my Michael Jackson routine from this past weekend at the HiFi in Leeds.

Oh yeah, and in my notes here I've left a scribble reminding me to tell everyone that I've lost touch with the kids. It's not so much that I've lost touch but that I realised there are certain topics I shouldn't bother with in front of a younger/University crowd. It used to be that my whole set would be perfect for the Uni crowd, but on thursday, in front of Leeds Uni, I tried to do a child beating routine that was completely lost on the crowd. I realised this about 1 minute in to my 7 minute routine and stuck it out anyway. Lesson learned. Don't do satirical routines on beating children to a crowd that has no relation to raising or dealing with children themselves, and in some ways still are children. Got it!

Oh hey, back to Michael Jackson. Do you think it would be a good poster if I satirised his Jackson: THIS IS IT poster with a Whitehead; THIS IS ZIT poster??? lemme know

I'm just gettin ready to head off to Leeds for the weekend. I'm feeling like i haven't been off the road lately.
I've just thrown up a few videos on my youtube channel as well, so go ahead and google them. I think with the lack of TV going on this year I'm just going to take a camcorder with me to the clubs and hopefully throw up a routine or two every couple of weeks. Feedback is more than welcome eh, so please feel free to drop me a line and let me know what you think. Much of it is going to end up being work in progress, so I might take them down as much as I put them up, but what the hey eh.

Also, it looks like a few of the Jongleeurs clubs are closing down. This is no doubt going to change the face of comedy here in the UK. I guess i should maybe be a bit worried in the short term because that does mean that there are all of a sudden 25 competitive comics out there per weekend that want a gig, but i have a feeling that in the long run it could be great for club comics like myself. I'm hoping for plenty of new colorful clubs. we'll see!

Ok, so, I decided to get my ears syringed because I find myself saying 'what?' far too much these days and I don't think you can be justified to use "it's your accent' as an excuse when you've been living in the UK for a decade. Besides, in 34 years I have never had my ears cleaned in any way, so who knows whats been lurking or growing in there! I found a 6 inch hair in my nostril the other day and I manually clean that thing regularily!
Anyroad, I was expecting some sort of a turkey baster type aparatus to draw the wax out, but it turns out that is 'the dangerous way'. The safe way is to actually shoot a jet stream of water at a lightning pace in to your ear hole and see what comes shooting out in the undercurrent. good time. Basically enough wax came out to build a small sculpture. But, I can hear now!

My question tho, is why they wanted a urine sample from me in order to clean my ears. The paranoia of all of my conspiracy theory mates cames rushing to my mind. Is this a way to get me on some register for the ruling elite to keep tabs on me? Or is it much simpler than that? Do they just think that I'm enough of and idiot to have been peeing in my ears to clean them? How well endowed do they think I am?

Anyway, I escaped with clean ears, and a vile of my own pee in my left pocket. i ain't buyin in to any system man!!! You hear me!!

Well, that’s it, another festival under the belt. At a certain point things really started to fly by too. Once again I failed to stick to a habit of blogging or any type of internet contact whatsoever. To be honest it was quite easy because we haven’t had any internet in the house for the whole month and rather than seeking it out, I’ve just let it go. I might have been disconnected from the internet world but I was definitely fully absorbed in “Fringe Festival Land”. I am well aware that this is something I need to change in myself tho. Everyone keeps saying “you need to Twitter” or “you need to get a new web site” and I guess that rather than continue joking about being a technophobe in my act, I should try to get a grip on the stuff. Well, I’ve got the time now!

So, I just finished my last show about 4 hours ago. I guess the experiment of doing an afternoon show was a bit of an up and down experience. Overall it was fun tho. And hey, it even made a little bit of money, which is more than I can say for most of the thousands of acts that perform at the fringe. Who knows, I think the relationship with the Stand could be a good one. I’ll asses things in the coming months but I think I’d like to be back at The Stand next year,…..probably back in an evening slot, where stand up belongs I guess.

I had a few highlights this year too;

playing the Gala was definitely one of them, it might have only been a 7 minute set, but when an audience of 3000 people laugh, you get hit by a wall of wind. It’s a pretty cool feeling.

I appeared on a toilet pretending to strain for Brendon Burns’ show as well which was a bit of a laugh. Something about him being able to reduce comics to nothing. He was manicly funny as always.

Oh yeah, and my parents came to hang out this year. That was a nice treat. They stuck around for a week and caught my show twice as well as a few other highlights.

Overall I’ve got mixed feelings about Edinburgh tho. I feel a lot more successful and popular in my career outside the festival. Maybe it’s because I’ve performed at so many Edinburghs that I’ve become part of the wallpaper here. I think it’s a sign that I need to shake things up, but I really can’t think of how. I know I got a few great reviews, which I’ll try and track down now that I’m done (I avoided reading them all month thankfully,….except for that stupid Chortle one that wound up in my lap) maybe I’ll post them up here, but for the most part the press and media make me feel like I’m crashing a private party or something.

I’m looking forward to getting back to London. Time for some RnR and a regain of my social life, I hope…..oh yeah, and to learn how to use the computer better. Damn Recreation degree!!

By the way, if you wanted my advice on the best shows at the festival, here are my recommendations as I saw them;

Rob Rouse made me laugh harder at his show than I did at any other. It’s called My family and the Dog that scared Jesus and I got to see this one with my parents watching too, which was great because my father had tears in his eyes from laughter.

Nick Doody’s show Schizo was meticulously written and he was in the best performance form that I have ever seen him.

And Phil Nichol and his scheemie Glaswegian accent stole the whole festival as far as I’m concerned with his performance in Gagarin Way, A play put on at Stand 3. He was awesome, the cast was awesome, the play was unforgettable.

Well, it’s party time. Catch you soon

Peering out in to the lobby from behind the dressing room door today before my show I could see that there was a person of very small stature waiting to go in to my room. I got my technician Jay to investigate because although there are restrictions on children coming in to see my show, I have no such rules for dwarves, so I wanted to make sure I was right.

Sure enough, it was a nine year old boy waiting with his mom to catch my show. I guess this is a problem that I’m going to run in to doing a 4pm slot. Upon hearing the news that he wouldn’t be allowed in, he burst in to tears. Needless to say, it was good to have Seymour Mace around, because he is actually doing a children’s show in my room earlier in the afternoon. Seymour was able to give the kid one of the toys that he uses as prizes in his show and that calmed him down enough.

Great, now I can make children cry without them even getting in to my show. It’s one thing for them to burst in to tears when I’m pacing up and down in front of them with mock frustration, but to invoke the eye rain because they’re advised not to come in and see the show, now that’s just crazy. I guess he must have been a big fan.

well, I just got my first really patronising shit review of the festival and it has me really angry to be honest. I try not to read reviews, but this one wound up in my face inadvertantly, so I spent most of the night fuming. Sometimes it's like these journalists want to take your audience away from you!

anyway, I wrote a retort, and rather than post it on the review's comments bit (which is probably a bad move) I just thought I'd post it here just to give me peace of mind that at least I'm saying something instead of just letting this bullshit go.... here ya go

I can’t believe I’m going to reply to a review because I’ve never believed in doing such a thing. I’ve always felt it gives a journalist some sort of smug validation that is unnecessary, but I simply can’t let this kind of writing go without a retort this early in the festival.

First of all, my introduction video is simply that; an introduction video. It is not a new concept and surely isn’t something that was invented by Kristen Schaal and Eugene Mirman no matter how romantic this journalists’ feelings for them might be. The video is short, and set to music, with subtitles, something I have seen no other comic do at the fringe. It is played at the start of my show and then I come on stage and deliver a solid hour of stand up. I do not employ comedy sketch videos in at all the way that Kristen and Eugene do in their live shows, nor do I have any intentions to do so.

Secondly, my Drug routines are 100% original, other than the fact that I need to use the word ‘drugs’ to get my story across. The angles and even secondary subject matter are completely different from any classic routine by a dead comedian. This is completely insulting to me, along with the suggestion that I am lacking experience. This is my 11th year here at the fringe and I have traveled the world with my shows.

I guess if you dig deep enough yet remain completely shallow, you can find everything derivative. Come and see my show and make up your minds for yourselves. Don’t forget I’ll just be on a stage saying stuff,you know, like you've seen before.

That's it really. I had an even more spiteful ending before that said........like Hitler. But hitler had a bigger fan base. Of course he had the press on his side tho. - but in the end I left it out. ha ha

well, other than that prick's attempt to slow me down, the show is going fine. catch ya later

well, I got in to town and we've moved in to our flat down by the Stand. The one annoying thing in this hugely expensive rental is that they haven't given us some of the things they said that the flat would be furnished with, like a TV and internet. That is a little bit annoying.

even more annoying is the fact that I've already smashed the window here, so I'm sure that's my damage deposit will be going now.
I was just trying to open the fucker and it came smashing down. surely this should be an expected problem seeing as this place seems that it hasn't been lived in for ages. Probably not tho. dinks!!

Well, I'm off to the 'burgh tomorrow, but still reeling from a session two nights ago. This has to be the worst headache hangover that I've had in years. I really need to be more responsible at my age!!

It's never a good idea to break out the mystical vodka that you got in New Zealand at 5 in the morning. Everything was going fine anyway, why do that to yourself. It was one of those twists in the evening where no one even says goodnight,....everyone just crawls away to find their own space and close their eyes for what they hope won't be eternity.

It's all Vaughn King's fault. He's a kiwi comic that I met in NZ and he happens to own his own distillery where he makes Kumara Vodka. (A Kumara is kinda lie a sweet potato, it's a kiwi thing) Anyway.....the vodka is called Purple Monkey Finger,.....and the next day you feel like you were drinking something called Purple Monkey Finger. Wow, potent stuff. It's taken me the last 2 days to recover.....not good with Edinburgh looming. Hopefully I'll be sweet for the drive tomorrow.

Thanks Vaughn!!

Ok, so I'm playing the Banana comedy club down in Balham this weekend. I'm really looking forward to it. It used to be one of my favorites, but I haven't been there in over a year. I'm assuming nothing will have changed tho.

on another note, I did my last Edinburgh preview last night and I was really happy with it. Lots of new jokes seemed to fit in nicely whereas last week I had a preview where it was clear that they were virgins. So, it looks like the show is prettty much together for next week. Coupled with an intro video (that I'm hoping to pick up tonight) I think it'll be a fun month

Other than that, what the heck is really the benefit of twitter? I'm wondering if I should be on it because I'm a clown, but I really don't want the hassle of telling people what I'm doing every moment of every day. I guess I'm just starting to rethink because it seemed as though half the audience last night were carrying on, on twitter, in the bar after my gig.

well, I gotta run to Balham for now

Man oh man, my legs are wobbling below me like jelly right now. I got this idea a few weeks ago to film an intro video for my Edinburgh show, and we've been hard at work on that the last couple of days. in the film, I'm playing the good guy, bad guy, and the damsel in distress (mmm sexxy). It was a lot of running around yesterday, pretending to be the good guy and baddie chasing eachother through the street. I think my thighs are hating me because of all the crouching that the baddie kept doing. man oh man, it just reminds me of basketball practice back when I was 17. i'm definitely not that limber any more. well, I better get to some stretchin, makeup in 15 and this is the last day of filming so,......wish me luck,....actually, wish me limber!!

Really, are girls wearing fake bums now??

I guess I'll start at the start..... For some reason Ed Byrne, Brendon Burns, Glenn Wool, our buddy Paul and I thought it would be a good idea to go to Thorpe Park yesterday because we were under the impression that school was still in session and we'd be able to get on rides with minimal hassle. Weere we ever wrong!! I guess hassle would be the wrong word, because standing in epic cues are more tedium than hassle. It sucked! There were children everywhere and the cues were almost 2 hours long. In the end we went on 2 roller coasters before deciding to cut out losses and leave the school yard.

In the end, most of yesterday was spent cueing in either the park or on the motorway, We'll definitely plan things better in the future. The highlights of our day (besides the 2 coasters) would have to be our bucket of chicken and a discussion of whether or not a couple of these teenage girls were wearing fake asses or not. It was like a circus out there. The butts that I'm referring to were quite clearly being enhanced by some sort of padded bum shorts. Is this what the kids are wearing these days. Or certain kids anyway? the boys (well, certain boys) were definitely flocking to them with their phones open, either for a number or a picture I'm not sure) All in all, it seemed pretty ridiculous to me, but what do I know, I'm no longer a hormone driven teen. It's amazing what you can be forced to look at while cueing for hours. Next time I guess maybe we'll be in a situation where we can act our own age.....probably not tho.

I think that's what it's called. isn't it? Post partum depression; when a comedian has used a satnav for many years and for the time being it is in storage and he doesn't know how to live without it. i don't know how I'm going to find any of these gigs this weekend. Am I supposed to use a map? yeah right. where the hell is Wimbledon!?!

Oh, and I'm workin with Andrew Maxwell tonight. He's funny. come on down ,........ If you can find it. It's called the Abbey fest and it's in Merton Abbey Wells SW19 2Rd

I think I've come to the epiphany that most of time is spent trying to figure out if I have enough time to do something! I've been spending so much time humming and hawing lately about various aspects of my new Edinburgh show that I finally realised yesterday that I should just commit already!

I've had some ideas about doing a movie intro and a couple of clips in my show, ...which both the stand up comedy purist and the cheapskate in me are against, but I decided that I'm not going to stop thinking about them so instead I got the bal rolling yesterday. i went and had a couple of meeting with regards to this video intro, where I'm intending to play the baddie and the goodie, and then I hit Old rope to try out some of my newest gags.

For anyone who doesn't know what old rope is, it's a new material night where we have to try and churn out some new gags. My only problem with new material night is that so many comics buy in to the fact that the material could suck that they actually allow it to suck, and thus make these night absolutely void of purpose. ....also, I can sometimes be one of those comics....

Anyroad, maybe it was my new commitments, and finally clearing my mind of the bullshit 'should I or shouldn't I' but I really got a lot of use out of last nights show. I just hope that the stuff works when I wedge it in to my set!
For now tho, the sentence 'Children raised by alcoholics grow up to give strangers their candy for free' will definitely resurface....

Well, after a taxing decision making process, I've decided to go to Edinburgh with just a one-sided flyer. It’s not only going to save a bit on money, but I figured that I can do without all the rhetoric and Bs that we pile on to the back of a flyer anyway. Regardless, here’s what I was thinking of putting on the back of my flyer, just in case you’re interested;

Please drop me a line on jjdubya@yahoo.com if you've got any opinions you wanna share'

Jason John Whitehead
Emotional Whitemale

Ok, so hey, come and see my little stand up comedy show and you’ll learn that I think;
Animals are always harmed during filming
Drugs should be legal in sport
Women are evil
Criminals should be forced to take drugs
Felching is not onomatopoeic
Cheap crap lasts longer than costly junk
Children should be beaten more often
It’s not worth it if it doesn’t hurt
Racism is fun
We’ve all been misled
The biological clock is blackmailing us
Trees are predators
The aliens are coming
And sexual partners deserve the occasional punch

Well, actually I’m just kidding,…. I think,….
Or maybe it’s just my ‘month of the time’, you know what I mean, I’ve just been a bit emotional lately

If you laugh and agree then I’m clever and funny and if you disagree then I’m just joking x

Whitehead's informal, almost friendly delivery masks the subtlety and thoughtfulness of his material. He gives the impression of rambling somewhat aimlessly, speaking on any passing whim, but it is a meticulously constructed soliloquy
Universal

Enjoyable performance…..deceptively cutting
The List

Oh hey, want to see some of my comedy, check out my youtube channel at www.youtube.com/doubleJdoubleU
Or my web site at www.jjwhiteheadthecomic.com

So, yesterday was Canada Day In Trafalgar Square yeaterday and we had a pretty good time downing some Sleeman's Beer and playing a little hockey against the ex-pros that the government splurged on flying in.

Stewart Francis, Ron Vaudry and I fronted a team that took on ex-Nhl players Colin Patterson and Perry Berezan and I have to say that not only did we play well but we beat them by one goal at the end of regulation...... well, ok, supposedly they won by one goal (9-8) but we're calling it a victory becuse they were cherry picking on their 8th goal after we scored to make it 8-7. We were all surprised with our games as it looked to be a devastating start. We went down 3-0 in front of the capacity crowd at Trafalgar Squareonly to storm back, and I'm telling ya, look like the better team!

I'm wearing some war wounds too from a dirty trip by Patterson, but it was worth it. Stewart and I gelled so well on our give and go offence that we're looking forward to getting the chemistry back together soon.

And most importantly, I have to say that Ron Vaudry was absolutely spectacular in goal for us, especially considering how drunk he was!

Happy Canada Day!

I just finished reading slash’s biography and I really enjoyed it once I got in to it. For me, reading a book always comes and goes in waves. Even when I get deeply engrossed in a book, sure enough a distraction that will last a few weeks is right around the corner……more often than not it’s usually some of Slash’s music!! I can’t read and listen to my favorite music at the same time because I won’t pay attention at all!!

I have to say that I did relate to his book a little bit. I know I’m not a musician, or even famous, but the way that he describes falling in love with music and the way he knew it was going to be his passion is really the way that I felt when I first stumbled in to a Comedy Club. The way that he describes what picking up a guitar for the first time triggered in him is very much the way I felt after doing my first open spot. There couldn’t be any turning back.

I was really getting in to this book while on Tour with Ben, but then stupidly I left it in someone’s car while in Belfast. Luckuily it was returned to me 2 weeks later in Dublin and I got stuck in to it again. It is a really intense and personal book and I loved every aspect of it. When he was deep in drug hell I felt a bit squeamish tho. I’ll be happy to never see a needle again myself! But overall, I wanted the rock n roll stories, and there are plenty of them here. I also found it inspiring to see where they came up with some of their song ideas.

It has also shed a big light for me on the in-fighting and implosion of Guns and Roses. I think Slash plays the diplomacy card really well, even so, Axl does come across as a bit of a dick. Anyroad, check it out for your own opinion.

I'm gonna check out steven Tyler's biog now.

So, it's been absolutely hectic since I got back to the UK. I'm still homeless after moving out of my place before going to Melbourne more than 2 months ago, but it hasn't mattered to much because I've only been in London for 1 night anyway!

Ben Hurley and I are in the middle of our Infamous in the UK tour now, and we've been non stop since getting back. We've alreadt hit parts of Wales and Northern Ireland, and Edinburgh and Glasgow monday and tuesday before arriving here in Ireland. .......and Ireland isn't even part of the UK, so who knows what we're doing here!!

The crowds have been great at every stop. Especially Glasgow and Edinburgh, where we didn't expect such big crowds on the most annoying of the weeknights to ask people to go out. On top of that, it was really sunny and we were naturally thinking that no one was going to come to the show because of the great weather......but then I realised it was the Scottish we were talking about. If they liked the sun, they'd live somewhere else!

Last night was our first here in Dublin and it was an absolute stormer. The Laughter Lounge has about a 400 capacity and it was packed last night with our loudest crowd yet.

Some guy from the crowd who was on crutches came to give me a glass of water at one point and as he wobbled down the isle all I could see in the darkness was the metal crutch, so naturally i thought i was being stalked by the Terminator...... needless to say, I very rarely was able to stick to the script last night.

I'm expecting more of the same as I head there now.

Well, the fest here in New zealand is all wrapped up and it's probably been my best festival yet. I'll have to wait to get the numbers back but the shows on thursday through to the last one on saturday were more than sold out so it should be pretty good.

I'd say that the New Zealand festival is definitely my favorite of all the fests that I get to run around to during the year. Coming in to this year I was thinking that I'd probably have to take a year off next year since this was my 3rd in a row, but I've had so much fun that I just can't see myself taking it off the schedule.

I'm really happy to see my friend Carey Marx walk away with best international act as well. He lives up in North London with me and has been one of the best gag writers and performers on the circuit for a long time but never gets the credit in Edinburgh because he just hasn't cracked the journalistic clique yet. Well deserved carey!

We sure partied hard last night and in to today as well. My room is currently a disaster because the party kinda wound up here. Oh well, lots of faces I won't see for a while and I'm glad we all went out with a bang. The mini bar is empty and I'm off to the airport in a few minutes, hopefully see you again soon new zealand!

So, I concluded the Wellington run last night and then got excessively intoxicated. I don't know why, but drunken jay seems to think that's the best way to thank everyone!

What a great run it was too. The show was more than sold out last night (don't tell the fire chief) so the atmosphere was crackin. That was the perfect way to wrap up Wellington. If I can have anywhere close to that kind of success in Auckland this will be a great trip.

After the show I went and checked out a couple other shows and polished off a bottle of crown royal in the process so by the time Jason Cook asked me to do a short set at the Asylum I could barely speak. I don't recall what I did for a set, but jason said I was in the fetal position at one time. I do recall pouring beer on Janey Godley and pinching her tit at one point. Ah, what an international guest I must be!! It was a great deal of fun tho,......and I almost missed my flight, but thanfully they're so laid back here that they let me board 15 minutes before take off. That'd never work at Heathrow!

I'm off back to the Hurleys now!

I'm here in Wellington now for the opening week of the NZ festival. I really like my venue, it's called the Happy Bar and it's a nice cozy venue on the corner of Tory and Vivian streets. Last night was opening night and I was really happy with the show and the packed out audience. I'm a little worried about tonight tho because not only is it typically unbusy on a wednesday but it's been pounding both rain and wind all day. I don't know if people are going to interested in coming out. I've never been to such a city that can provide pounding rain and wind at the same time! Ben Hurley was telling me that the famous saying here is that you can't beat Wellington on a good day, but the problem is that they don't get many good days!!

Oh yeah, and after the show I went and checked out El Jaguar's show at the fringe bar and it cracked me up. great stuff!

I'm in New Zealand now, crashing at my good friends' Ben Hurley and his wife Abi. It's good to be back here in Auckland. I guess after 3 years on the trot it feels really comfortably familiar.

I sure hope this 'swine flu' panic doesn't keep the crowds away. Should I be panicking if I constantly think I smell truffles? I partied so hard last night any way that i think the alcohol would have killed off any flu-like bugs in my body!

I thought everyone performed really well at the Gala last night. Only the improv troops really struggled,.....but hey, what would you expect!

We sure partied hard last night. I don't even have a clue how it happened!! I remember I was thinking of leaving at around 12......but then all of a sudden it was 8am and I'm getting in the door. Not a clue how that happened. Good night tho. I don't think I'll be very physically active today!

Well, I'm sad to see this Melbourne run come to an end. It was probably one of the most enjoyable festival stints I've had in quite a while. It really reminded of the days when I used to do split bills in Edinburgh before departing and starting to do solo shows.

We had a great 80's themed final party at the HiFi bar where Burnsie and I played a little drunk Galaga and Pacman. How rock n roll is comedy eh!

I've been waiting patiently for my passport to get back in my hands vith my New Zealand visa in it. I think New Zealand must be the most difficult country to get in to!! The passport has finally made it back in to my hands at the 11th hour....... phew, now it's off to NZ!

Champagne goes down like candy juice and makes you feel light headed. That's all I have to say about that. Don't drink it the evening before playing basketball for the first time in years tho, it will lead to courage and tequilas!

OK, so I have been trying to hit the gym a few times a week for the last year or so, just to keep my 30+ year old frame in relative fitness. But no meager treadmill regime could prepare me for hitting the hardwood for a good 3 hours of basketball....... oh yeah, it might also not have been a good idea to be shooting tequila at 4am as well (only 7 hours previously).

Anyway, I don't think I've had a work out like that in years!! We had a really good game too, but we all looked out of shape and absolutely drenched in sweat after about 40 minutes. Hands on defence was NOT an option. The clowns in the game included a fit Rich Hall, Jarlath Regan, Des Bishop, and Micky D. And Micky's flat mate used to play for Australia so he and the national coach even dropped in to dunk on us for a bit. I'm feeling the burn now!! Man does it ever feel good, so, now I'm covered in paintball bruises and basketball creekiness. I guess I'll have to drink myself in to submission.

ya know, if I could cut out these 4am tequilas.....I might just get in shape some day!!

So, it was our day off yesterday and a bunch of us clowns decided to spend it shooting at eachother in the woods. Eddie Ifft organised a party bus to take us to the boonies outside Melbourne and we spent the afternoon shooting paintballs at eachother. You would never believe the amount of pleasure that can be derived from shooting your colleagues in the head!

We had a blast, and thank gods we had the night off because I was walking pretty nimbly and slurring my speach by the time we got back to the hotel at about 5. I think I had to drink the pain away. Besides, whaty else are you supposed to do when returning from war on a party bus!!

I've got some lovely welts on my back and thighs, and an entire constellation of colourful pain on my right shoulder. Maybe it's wrong, but I'm finding these bruises slightly erogenous. mmmm

So, the show is called The Best Of The Edinburgh Fest and it's starring me, Gordon Southern, and Jarleth Regan and to be honest we're having a blast so far!

There's nothing like doing 25 mintes sets to 600 people while most times a festival experience means stressing over your own solo show in front of a much smaller audience. this is just great! And the ripples of laughter pretty much carry themselves in such a large body of people. We're absolutely loving it, so if you're anywhere near the capitol theatre in Melbourne for the festival, come on down and check us out!

Well, I'm here in Melbourne and I'm thankful to have arrived in one piece. Some dude tried to open the emergency door mid flight. How messed up is that!!! It's funny in retrospect, having learned that the door would not have opened anyway because of the cabin pressure, but still, I don't think the flight attendants that tackled him to the ground found it very funny at all.

what a freak. I think he looked like he was sleep walking, but other passengers have different theories, like that he was on crack or something. I don't think a crack head would assume he can fly tho! that's more like an acid thing don't ya think? Regardless, most of us passengers expected to see the authorities show up to arrest him upon arrival at Melbourne, but no such incident occurred. Instead he just grabbed his suitcase and wandered off.

I did have a chance to ask him what the heck he was thinking, and he is going with the sleepwalking excuse. He told me he thought he was in a field or a pasture. Yeah, sure, a pasture with an airplane emergency exit door in it.

Well, I have a confession to make. I have done some sleep walking myself..... and often a field is where I think I am, so I have to believe him. In about 1996 I got up in the middle of the night and peed in a girls closet. When she woke me up I told her I thought I was at a lake. I'm still sticking to that story!!

Still, when I told my fellow comic who was on the flight, Maeve Higgins, that he says hethought he was in a field, she replied "nah, he's on crack!"

ya know what, we have every right to be annoyed when you walk through our stage when we're performing. I know we're no West end Musical, or dramatic play, but stand up is a performance none the less, and I do notice this attitude that it's fine to walk through the stage. Man, that annoys me!!!

I'm saying this because I was royally annoyed at the Glee last night when this stag do (who had conveniently been sat in my front row) kept getting up and disruptng the room by walking through the stage during my set. The thing is; I could understand how thick they were, but I'm really annoyed with how gradually I was losing my audience......

The thing is, sometimes it really is only the comic who can tell he is losing his audience. I'm sure that most of the people at the back thought they were still fully involved, but after the third disruption, I could really feel the hollow coming in to the room.........

so, naturally , I said something along the lines of tearing the stag do a new cumulative asshole......which was quite funny,.......but the rest of the room didn't think so....... they thought I was being mean to the guys in the front row (who were disrupting the show!!)......see, the audience had become detached, they just didn't know it....... well, I think I showed 'em!

Well, what can I say, it was my first ever trip to Germany.....technically. 1 gig for 1 night and it just felt like a bit of a whirlwind anyway. I did see the Olympic stadium and the Gardens where they hold Octoberfest......from my taxi window.

Not only was it not Octoberfest, but it was sunday, so the whole city was pretty dead to be honest. I pretty much showed up hung over and left hungover and considering that the audience was mostly ex-pat, I only interacted with maybe 3 Germans,.... have I really been to Germany!?! I think I talk to more Germans on a daily basis in London. I even used an EU passport, so I didn't even get a stamp! I don't think it counts!

Ok, I've found another scrap of paper while doing my taxes, and at first this one just threw me for a total loop because it just seems hateful......but now I remember;

A couple years ago, German comic Henning Wehn and I got a bit drunk and wound up partying back at mine and playing a few board games, just to calculatedly work towards a drunken argument, so, that's obviously where this piece of paper comes from;

Never play Monopoly with Germans

Ok, just came accross another piece of paper and I have no clue what I was on about here. I seem to have just written down definitions. I think maybe I was going through something at the time

Acomoclitic- to have a preference for hairless genitals

Depilation Fetishism- sexual arousal from being shaved

hirsuite- hairy, shaggy

punchline anyone? What the heck was I thinking about? I've found it on the back of notes for my 2006 Edinburgh show. I don't remember talking about that stuff tho.

Ok, it's my least favorite time of the year,....tax time. The timewhen the government rears its ugly mug and makes me give them money even though I've been paying tax on crap all year. What I hate most is that they make me calculate it up. It's a bit like a bully rubbing your face in it. I don't even have the money to give them. I just keep laughing as Louis CK's line runs through my head all day;

"I have negative money,. I need to raise 50 bucks just to be broke!"

Anyway, as I'm flipping through receipts and stuff, I'm occasionally coming accross a joke or thought that I've scribbled on a piece of paper. Most of them haven't made it in to my set at all and some are pretty shit, but I was thinking that maybe I'll throw them on here instead of filing them away again until I find them next year, so here's one;

Do you think that there are tons of doctors on a kibutz in India saying that in the UK they used to be taxi drivers?

ok, that one went straight in the bin

So, I was out in the real world today, and nothing has changed. I thought that new black president guy was supposed to change everything already!!!!

Ok, I get it, so we'll need more patience,.....that is even if the status quo is going to change at all. I really enjoyed the induction ceremony yesterday. Man, that guy is an excellent public speaker.

I still find it a bit funny that most americans being interviewed were talking as if all the problems of the last decade are automatically solved because they have a black president now. It's not that easy surely. I understand optimism and I'm all for it, but let's not presume resolution.

I loved the tears and the passion from the black community as they said "this is a day that we thought would never come" but what I really wanted to see was an older black lady saying "that boy better not fuck this up for all of us!"

The Komedia is definitely one of my favorite clubs and it was a great time in Brighton this weekend. It was made even better because my jacket got returned to me after being stolen. Victory to the good people!! There's nothing like the vindication of having something returned to you 14 hours after having the 'loser' feeling of being ripped off right in front of your face. I could totally tell who the culprits were too because it happened at 5am in the hotel bar when there was only us comics and a stag party. It was just a matter of convincing the hotel staff, which was tough because of an air of xenophobia none the less.

Oh yeah, it was my first time working with Pappys Fun Club too. They were pretty cool to party with. All around a pretty cool weekend in Brighton.

It's funny how I'm influenced or deterred by stupid things I'm hearing on garbage tele. I think the E! channel has been playing too much in the background here lately. I'm sick of hearing about celebrity bloggers and what they're moaning on about on their web sites. 'so and so's fashion tips' 'what I ate for dinner' etc. It really turns me off of wanting to share something.

so anyway, I've just spent the day filling out my Melbourne International Comedy Festival registration and my New Zealand Comedy Festival registrations and really looking forward to heading there this year. I'm a bit bummed that I'm going to miss my buddy Ben Hurley getting married but I'll be sure to make it up to him when I get there.

oh yeah, and people who wear khaki pants and deck shoes are lame-o's

word

So, maybe I'm just getting older, but my favorite gift this year is my new electric toothbrush. It's ten times the awesomeness I thought it could be. I'm addicted to it already. I'm using it right now......

oops,...now I wish someone gave me a new keyboard for christmas

I have to say that New York is ten times the city that I thought it was. I have to apologize for assuming that the way New Yorkers behave at the airport was at all a sample of how they are. We had a blast killing time there. I guess there are obviously hundreds of other places to be 'stranded' that could have proven worse!!!

We saw Avenue Q, which was fun and checked out NBC studios. I had no idea that the Saturday Night Live studio seats were the same as the now defunct Yankee stadium's!!!

We almost lost a 'lottery' on Christmas eve that would've had us thrown off our 'replacement flight' (not in mid air of course!) because they had over booked it. Dudes!!!- DO NOT OVER BOOK YOUR FLIGHTS ON CHRISTMAS EVE!!!! COME ON!!

Anyroad, we're home in the 'hoods of Hali now. Bring on the snow!

Well, there are apparently big storms in my home of Nova Scotia, my Father says his house is shaking from hurricane force winds, so the girlfriend and I have been stranded in New York until Christmas eve.

I've always wanted to see New York, but definitely not like this. We're going to try and head in to manhattan in a minute so hopefully the experience will liven up!

Coming in to America from the Uk was such a pain in the ass last night that it left me convinced that from now on I'm going to spend whatever extra money I can just to avoid the american customs people. They seem to treat their country, countrymen, and visitors to the country like they're running the worlds largest prison!

I didn't appreciate my girlfriend getting yelled at for not 'stepping up' quick enough for them. Also, the question on the immigration form clearly said 'what is the address of your destination in the united states of america' and I got her to write 'not applicable' which I wrote on my form as well because we were merely supposed to be transferring to Canada. (this was before the cancelled flight). But, the security guard yelled at her and treated her like she was an idiot, shouting ' then you write your Canadian address' in a very patronising tone.

And, that was just one of many annoying run ins with americans in JFK airport that I really didn't like yesterday. (they've also lost some of my posessions that they just seem to be shrugging their shoulders at)

Anyway, I'm going to do my best to try andcheer up and enjoy this 'spontaneously forced stay' because if I don't shake this attitude I'll probably be punched by a New Yorker before the night is out. Oh well, we all love souvenirs right!!?! ......and mine won't be a shirt with a heart on it at this point for sure!